Dealing with depression is like doing every daily task with a fifty pound vest on. I want to go outside, I want to clean the house, I want to develop my career but every step towards any of them is exhausting.
I sit in bed a lot. I’m not proud of it, but it’s my safe place. Excuses are easy in here. “I’m tired. I don’t feel good. I deserve a day off.” I don’t deserve a day off. My whole life is a vacation I can’t get home from.
My family and friends don’t understand. They think that if they give me ideas it will motivate me; if they compliment my talent it’ll give me the desire to try harder. But I’m always “trying harder.” It’s just hard to see because it doesn’t look like success.
Maybe I just tell myself I’m succeeding so I can equally tell myself, “I don’t have to do anything today.” I used to get up in the morning. I used to clean my house. I used to play shows. I used to take any and all opportunities to play music. What happened to me?
When did my inner optimism become so cynical, my faith become doubtful and my hope become pessimistic? My mind is diseased.
One time someone told me, “Get your ass out of bed.” I assume they thought they were helping but my only response was, “Screw you!” Actually, my words might have been a bit more colorful than that.
Some people genuinely don’t understand which words help and which words hurt. When you tell me to get out of bed or smile or “just do something,” it only serves as a reminder of how hard those things are.
But listen, it’s not all doom and gloom. I believe this truly is a disease. And many diseases have cures. I just haven’t found mine yet.
One of the things that gives me hope is knowing I didn’t used to be like this. You can ask anyone in my life and they will tell you they knew I was going somewhere because I had an unstoppable drive. If they really understood what my days consist of now they would be horrified. I mean…I’m horrified.
But I’m not giving up. I don’t care how much weight I have to push, I refuse to give up. I want to go outside, I want to clean the house, I want to develop my career, I want to be happy.
But not exhausting enough.